How to fry a turkey

The process began two nights ago, when a super-secret blend of spices was cooked into a marinade. After it cooled, a very scary looking syringe was used to inject the turkeys. (Hint: move the syringe around under the skin to get the marinade in several locations -- you want to limit how many times the skin is pierced.)

Let the turkeys marinate for two days. On the big day, set up a big pot of oil in the driveway and heat to 325 degrees.

Give the turkey a rubdown with more spice and very, very, VERY carefully lower it into the oil.

Drink Bloody Marys while the turkey cooks (3 minutes per pound.) Repeat until you run out of turkeys, or out of Bloody Marys, whichever comes first.